2011: A Year in Review

accomplishments: traveling halfway around the world by myself. finally starting counseling. successfully completing a high-stress internship. graduating cum laude.

books: mere christianity. number the stars. truefaced. the hunger games (again). practicing the presence of people. redeeming love. 

memories: hanging out at hogwarts. sunrises. gross sunburns. the wesley formal. india. my baby brother graduating. baby time. almost drowning on the 4th of july. saying goodbye to harry & co. saying goodbye to incredible friends. dressing up as ron swanson for halloween. rolling around on brittany’s bed because my life is ridiculous. camping. falling in love with sweet refugee children. stalking isaac. playing star wars in the nursery. graduating. 

movies: harry potter 7.2. the help. super 8. bridesmaids. 

music: needtobreathe. the rocket summer. the civil wars. mumford & sons. fleet foxes. the avett brothers. shane & shane. gungor. city and colour. windsor drive. 

realizations: even though my earthly father isn’t here for me, my heavenly father always will be. i am in the process of being healed and restored. difficult seasons of life are only temporary, not eternal. i actually do want to get married. god’s plan is greater than my own. god is a "big picture" god. god hears, god knows, god cares. people value me.

television: parks and rec. the walking dead. law and order: svu. arrested development.

what’s to come: internship. INDIA. grad school? the rest of my life...

i am being made new.

The past few weeks I've really been reflecting on just how much I have grown the past year and a half.


I am a changed woman. I am living for something greater than myself. I am (doing my best) to love all people. And I am trying so hard to surrender to the Lord. To focus and desire what He has for me above all else. To discern when He wants something for me, versus when I want something for myself. To be confident when I feel like the Lord is leading me somewhere...and for courage to follow through without looking back.

I've been going back and reading through old journal entries. I can really see how much I have changed, how much progress there has been. And, much to my surprise, there has been a lot of progress. Prayers have been answered, hearts have been calmed, my future has been made known (for a few months at least). I have a direction and purpose.

This semester has been a really strange season of life. On top of freaking out about the future and trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be, deep-rooted things have consistently been made known to me. The kind of things that literally hurt to think about. It started as really extreme self confidence issues, then led back to constantly thinking about my daddy issues, and now it's onto weird, one-sided relational stuff, if that's even what I'm supposed to call it- I don't even know. Strangely, or not strangely, enough, they are all intertwined. I can see how this is progress- it is and it's GREAT- but I am so ready for this season to be my past. I can see and accept how this is an awesome season of healing, but I just want it to be over.

So, during this process I am clinging onto remembering that this season of my life is not eternal, but temporary. And this temporary season is going to look so good in hindsight. I am clinging onto remembering that the Lord's plan is infinitely greater than my own. I am clinging onto remembering the fact that I am being made new. That I am being healed and restored.

progress.

After over 4 months of counseling, I am seeing progress.
3 months ago, I just wanted to give up. Things were getting stirred up and discovered that I didn't even know before. And I was managing just fine before then. Was there even a point to all of the mess? All of the heartache? All of those tears?

And now- I see that there is. Because I am living it.

I am changing. I am growing. I am slowly moving past this. I am opening up. I am speaking my mind. I am being honest- with myself AND others. I am connecting with myself.

This is just glorious. (And also scary.)
It will be worth it. I see the light.

The Perfectionist

According to the Enneagram Personality test, I am a one. "The Perfectionist"
I was upset with my scoring and took the test three times. Each time I got the same outcome. One. I don't want to be a one. So I took on my second place rating, two, "The Helper." Being a helper sounds so much better than being a perfectionist! In counseling a few months ago, we talked about the Enneagram and discovered how fitting it was that I am a one. (What a downer...) I was given a paper that describes the "one". I read through it once and quickly forgot about it. Yesterday I came across it in my journal.
And it is eerily fitting for my life. And so hilarious that I did not want to be a one at first. It is so me.



Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

• Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
• Acknowledge my achievements.
• I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
• Tell me that you value my advice.
• Be fair and considerate, as I am.
• Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me forgive.
• Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One

• Being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal.
• Working hard to make the world a better place.
• Having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself.
• Being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do.
• Being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions.
• Being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people.

What's Hard About Being a One

• Being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not me
• Feeling burdened by too much responsibility 
• Not being appreciated for what I do for people
• Being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
• Obsessing about what I did or what I should do
• Being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often

• Criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others.
• Refrain from doing things they think might not come out perfect.
• Focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers. (grandparents in my case)
• Are very responsible; may assume the role of parent.
• Hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry").

so long, sweet summer

Summer of 2011 is officially over.
I got an extra week compared to most others. I don't really consider myself lucky for it, because I've been so anxious to start my practicum. So ready to get the show on the road.
And tomorrow I officially start. My very last project of my (super) senior year of college. w.h.o.a.
I will be interning at Catholic Charities, with their Refugee Youth Services program. I'm very excited for it!

I have had an incredibly life-changing summer. It started in Bangalore, India (which I think about on a daily basis) and ended with beginning the rough, difficult, but sure to be wonderful journey of self-discovery.

My summer held some of the greatest experiences of my life- particularly India. It also held some frightening experiences. Sad experiences. And extremely ANGRY experiences. Overall, I am very thankful for each of them. Each one shaped me to become a little different, to rely more on God.

I traveled to Bangalore, India. I traveled back, halfway around the world, by myself. My baby brother graduated high school. I turned another year older. I spent a really great weekend with some fabulous friends in small-town, Florida. I celebrated the fourth of July on a lake with some really great people (where I almost drowned and literally thought I was going to die). I made butterbeer cupcakes and mourned the end of Harry Potter. Forever. I spent an AWESOME day at Disney with some of the greatest. I went on a roadtrip to Miami. I started what is probably the most important journey of my life. And I said good-bye to no less than six really wonderful people....

And now to begin what will probably become the busiest semester of my life!

the future freaks me out.

I am a planner. I like to know what's going to happen and when. I like to know what to expect. I like to prepare myself. As graduation looms closer (4 months...), I get more stressed out. I have no.clue. what my future holds. NONE. Will I stay in Orlando? Will I move back home (noooooo)? Will I work at Publix forever (PLEASE, NO)?

I entertain myself with different ideas...I will go to grad school, I will get offered an awesome job through my practicum, I will go back to India...but I honestly have no idea what is going to happen. And that scares me. Especially because so many people I know who recently graduated are moving on in awesome ways- grad school, seminary, big-kid jobs, moving halfway around the world, long term mission trips...

I think most of all I'm worried my life won't amount to much.  I'm worried that one day I'll wake up when I'm fifty and think "What happened? Where did my life go?" I know it's a lie I'm believing in my head, but not in my heart. And I don't really know how to get past it.

I don't like this uncertainty my future holds... I know God has great plans for me, I just want to know what they are!

a moment of peace

I love that moment when you feel an overwhelming amount of peace in your life.
When you feel like it doesn't belong there, but it is anyway.

I've had those moments twice in the past two days.
Life is difficult right now. Things have been brought up that I've never thought about previously. Emotions are getting stirred that I've never felt before, and they are strong emotions.

Thursday, after a particularly difficult time, I was praying and felt a sudden sense of peace. For (what seemed to be) no reason, I was reassured that people really do care about me. That this is going to get easier.

And yesterday, I was reading a book called TrueFaced and it was discussing sin and wearing masks. In regards to sin (done to us): "We may try to ignore it or stuff it away, but though it may lay dormant for a while, unresolved sin is always buried alive." I am unwillingly wearing a mask due to sin done to me, which is extremely frustrating. So I was praying that I keep in mind that God is a "big picture God." That the things I experience now are nothing compared to what my life is going to be. That they are just pieces of a puzzle. And 2 Corinthians 4 came to mind.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what it unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

How comforting....

so thankful to serve a God that cares for my life and future more than I can even imagine. 

And praying I can remember it.