“ I don’t believe in forgive and forget. We’re not wired to forget but wired to remember so we’ll be challenged to keep loving and forgiving. Wired to remember how we’ve been forgiven…"

Bryce Avary, The Rocket Summer

just love.

Love God, Love others.

Loving unconditionally is something I will struggle with all of my life, but I believe it's what I'm called to do, as a follower of Jesus Christ.

It's particularly hard for me, because if someone doesn't see eye-to-eye with me, I get so frustrated. I want everyone to see things my way.  While I realize that is completely unrealistic, I can't seem to shake myself of this terrible habit.

I have a lot of questions and struggles with loving unconditionally. Should I love the people purposely who hurt others? People who knowingly commit wrongs day in and out? People who don't respect themselves or others? Abusive people? Greedy people? Should I love people who murder?  What about my father? Should I love him? But he abandoned me.

While I know the answer to each of these questions is "yes," it brings me so many struggles. Even heartache on some days. I know these struggles of mine will never go away, because unconditionally loving everyone is not something I believe I'm capable of as a human, but only something to strive for.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway."

—Mother Teresa

A new month...

I'm more than ready for a break.  Thanksgiving couldn't come any sooner.  I'm falling behind in my reading and I have five observations to do in the next month.  I have one paper due a week, and most weeks I have multiple papers due.  On top of that, I'm scheduled 20 hours a week at Kohl's, along with occasional babysitting- but that's still tentative.  I'm beginning to despise my job at Kohl's and I regret taking it.  They are really big into credit- having people open charge cards. I've worked three weeks and have yet to open one.  I'm asked multiple times each shift I work (it averages 3-5) and each time my answer is "no."  It makes me feel awful.  I stress out more over stupid credit than I do over my school.  That should not be the case.  I have two months left of working there.  I hope I can push through it.

It's hard to believe it's already November... and the weather is still too warm! I'm ready to wear sweaters and cardigans and hoodies. I'm ready to wake up cold and drink hot chocolate.  To drive with my windows down without sweating. Central Florida is not really the place for me, but neither is the north. I think Northern Florida/Georgia is the place for me.  There are seasons and it gets a little cool, but there won't be five months of cold feet for me to suffer through.

I adore going to church over here.  It's nothing incredible or anything, but the sense of community and WORSHIP is so... awesome, for lack of a better word.  Worship occupies most of the service, and the praise band is on the talented side.  While I miss my church at home, church here is a nice replacement.

Time changes mess me up... it's only 6pm and it's already dark out. I woke up this morning at 6:30 thinking it was time to get up. Once I'm used to this, it will be time to change the clocks once again.


Here's some good reading:
(click the title to be taken to the link :)

Goodness precedes Greatness
Find your core


Until next time. <3

I think I have a problem. I crave human interaction, friendships, conversation, community- but I'm shy. I don't think I have the capability to spark a conversation with a stranger. On the other hand, I easily open up if a stranger begins a conversation with me.

Today at church, we were told to begin a conversation with someone we didn't know following the service. That should have been easy for me, because I don't know anyone there. Instead of doing what was asked of us, I walked quickly out of the building, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I regretted it as soon as I pulled away from the church. Why don't I have the capability to make friends? I can't always leave it up to someone else.

I've been going to club meetings that interest me, and I've met a few friendly people, along with people in my classes. I've yet to make a friend, though. And I hate it. Currently I'm regretting my decision of going to BCC, then UCF. Sure, it saved me a ton of money and I have an unusually high GPA, but I feel like it put me behind in the making friendships area. Last semester was fine and dandy, because I commuted. I drove to campus, went to class, and left. Back to the place where I had friends. Now, I feel as though everyone already has their circle of friends, and I don't fit in anywhere.

I feel really awful right now. My stomach is churning and I just want to go to bed.

over-thinking

I want to do so much in my future, I don't know how I'm going to accomplish it all. I want to go to Africa, I want to live in Ireland, I want to go on missions, I want to build houses for the homeless, I want to love everyone. I want to be a teacher, eventually. Teaching IS something I want to do, but it's started to become secondary in my future plans. I keep hearing about overseas opportunities, and I want to partake in ALL of them! I want to meet the children of Uganda, I want to build houses for the homeless in Haiti, I want to go into the Peace Corps or Ameri-Corps. I want to teach young children, I want to get my Master's degree in Special Education. I want to work for a non-profit organization. I want to live in a big city. I want to get married and have a family of my own, while living in a small, quaint town.  How is all of this going to get done?!  


I think about the future too much.

Where the Wild Things Are

Since I heard about the release of one of my favorite childhood books, Where the Wild Things Are, I have been eagerly anticipating the opening day.  Now, it's less than a week since it opens and I'm so excited.  Everytime I see the trailer, I squeal.  The cinematography looks so well done; the monsters illustrated in the book look nearly identical to the ones in the movie. The song chose for the trailer, Wake Up by The Aracde Fire, was an excellent choice. It's absolutely beautiful and full of emotion. I find myself humming it quite often. Unfortunately I won't get to see it opening night (I work D: ), but I will be at the theater Saturday night, wearing my "I Love Wild Things" t-shirt, excited to see what Spike Jonze has created.
I.am.so.exited.

life update

I'm considering dropping my English Writing minor. I don't want to, but I noticed that I've started dedicating more time on my stories and memoirs compared to my assignments that I really need to be focusing on. The ones that are dedicated toward my understanding of how to develop the minds of young children. That's sort of scary and I decided that it's not worth it. I'm going to speak with my advisor Wednesday about another minor I could pursue, because I want to get a minor. There's a non-profit minor, but it requires an internship and I already have two internships for education. There's an international studies minor that I've considered, because I would like to work with children internationally, specifically Africa. This minor dilemma has started making me feel anxious. Once I speak with my advisor, hopefully I will feel more at ease.

I have orientation at Kohl's on Wednesday. I've been looking for a job since July, and it's such a relief to (possibly) have one again. It's a seasonal job and there's probably not much chance of them keeping me on after the holidays are over. I'm worried about keeping up with my schoolwork along with working fifteen to twenty hours a week. I don't have class on Tuesday or Thursday's, but that's when I get most of my schoolwork done. I guess that's going to change. I want to start volunteering, as well. I want to get more involved. It's about time I start sleeping less and being completely overwhelmed with everything, hah. :(

There's this thing called "Alternative Spring Break" that I'm considering doing. During spring break, I will be sent to one of five or six locations around the south- Mississippi, Tennessee, Alabama, etc- and spend the week doing volunteer work. It sounds like a really nice time.  I like dedicating my time to help others, but I honestly don't make enough attempt to do it more often.

I need to make friends here in Orlando. Both Lauryn and Michelle went home last week and I had a pretty awful Saturday night. I don't like being alone. I like humans. I like interaction. Even if it's sitting around doing nothing. Even if it's with people I don't know. I need community.

I started going to a church called Anthem, and even though I go by myself, I feel at home. Everyone is so kind and warm. They have a "college group" Tuesday nights and I'd like to go to that one night, but other activities keep getting in my way.

Okay, this was another attempt at procrastination. I have an assignment and powerpoint to work on.