The Perfectionist

According to the Enneagram Personality test, I am a one. "The Perfectionist"
I was upset with my scoring and took the test three times. Each time I got the same outcome. One. I don't want to be a one. So I took on my second place rating, two, "The Helper." Being a helper sounds so much better than being a perfectionist! In counseling a few months ago, we talked about the Enneagram and discovered how fitting it was that I am a one. (What a downer...) I was given a paper that describes the "one". I read through it once and quickly forgot about it. Yesterday I came across it in my journal.
And it is eerily fitting for my life. And so hilarious that I did not want to be a one at first. It is so me.



Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

• Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
• Acknowledge my achievements.
• I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
• Tell me that you value my advice.
• Be fair and considerate, as I am.
• Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me forgive.
• Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One

• Being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal.
• Working hard to make the world a better place.
• Having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself.
• Being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do.
• Being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions.
• Being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people.

What's Hard About Being a One

• Being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not me
• Feeling burdened by too much responsibility 
• Not being appreciated for what I do for people
• Being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
• Obsessing about what I did or what I should do
• Being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often

• Criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others.
• Refrain from doing things they think might not come out perfect.
• Focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers. (grandparents in my case)
• Are very responsible; may assume the role of parent.
• Hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry").

so long, sweet summer

Summer of 2011 is officially over.
I got an extra week compared to most others. I don't really consider myself lucky for it, because I've been so anxious to start my practicum. So ready to get the show on the road.
And tomorrow I officially start. My very last project of my (super) senior year of college. w.h.o.a.
I will be interning at Catholic Charities, with their Refugee Youth Services program. I'm very excited for it!

I have had an incredibly life-changing summer. It started in Bangalore, India (which I think about on a daily basis) and ended with beginning the rough, difficult, but sure to be wonderful journey of self-discovery.

My summer held some of the greatest experiences of my life- particularly India. It also held some frightening experiences. Sad experiences. And extremely ANGRY experiences. Overall, I am very thankful for each of them. Each one shaped me to become a little different, to rely more on God.

I traveled to Bangalore, India. I traveled back, halfway around the world, by myself. My baby brother graduated high school. I turned another year older. I spent a really great weekend with some fabulous friends in small-town, Florida. I celebrated the fourth of July on a lake with some really great people (where I almost drowned and literally thought I was going to die). I made butterbeer cupcakes and mourned the end of Harry Potter. Forever. I spent an AWESOME day at Disney with some of the greatest. I went on a roadtrip to Miami. I started what is probably the most important journey of my life. And I said good-bye to no less than six really wonderful people....

And now to begin what will probably become the busiest semester of my life!

the future freaks me out.

I am a planner. I like to know what's going to happen and when. I like to know what to expect. I like to prepare myself. As graduation looms closer (4 months...), I get more stressed out. I have no.clue. what my future holds. NONE. Will I stay in Orlando? Will I move back home (noooooo)? Will I work at Publix forever (PLEASE, NO)?

I entertain myself with different ideas...I will go to grad school, I will get offered an awesome job through my practicum, I will go back to India...but I honestly have no idea what is going to happen. And that scares me. Especially because so many people I know who recently graduated are moving on in awesome ways- grad school, seminary, big-kid jobs, moving halfway around the world, long term mission trips...

I think most of all I'm worried my life won't amount to much.  I'm worried that one day I'll wake up when I'm fifty and think "What happened? Where did my life go?" I know it's a lie I'm believing in my head, but not in my heart. And I don't really know how to get past it.

I don't like this uncertainty my future holds... I know God has great plans for me, I just want to know what they are!

a moment of peace

I love that moment when you feel an overwhelming amount of peace in your life.
When you feel like it doesn't belong there, but it is anyway.

I've had those moments twice in the past two days.
Life is difficult right now. Things have been brought up that I've never thought about previously. Emotions are getting stirred that I've never felt before, and they are strong emotions.

Thursday, after a particularly difficult time, I was praying and felt a sudden sense of peace. For (what seemed to be) no reason, I was reassured that people really do care about me. That this is going to get easier.

And yesterday, I was reading a book called TrueFaced and it was discussing sin and wearing masks. In regards to sin (done to us): "We may try to ignore it or stuff it away, but though it may lay dormant for a while, unresolved sin is always buried alive." I am unwillingly wearing a mask due to sin done to me, which is extremely frustrating. So I was praying that I keep in mind that God is a "big picture God." That the things I experience now are nothing compared to what my life is going to be. That they are just pieces of a puzzle. And 2 Corinthians 4 came to mind.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what it unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

How comforting....

so thankful to serve a God that cares for my life and future more than I can even imagine. 

And praying I can remember it.

Life is hard.

Some days are harder than others- which is how I've been feeling recently.

This has been my go-to song. It speaks directly to my heart.
Thank you, Bryce Avary.



It's hard trying to hold on
With all that I have lost
It all seems so wrong
But I trust in you, oh God


So will you hold me?
As I'm crushed, my heart is in pieces
And although I'm strong when I bleed
Right now, I'm just too weak


Peace, come over you




And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7

It's Not Goodbye, Not Really...

This morning at 2am my childhood officially ended. I was sitting in a movie theater full of fellow Potterheads, with tears coming down my face- shocked that it was really over. We have come to the end. 

I remember the first time I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I was nine-years-old and there was a month until Chamber of Secrets was to be released. After Chamber of Secrets was released, I remember being so disappointed that I had to wait multiple months until the next book was released...

 

And now, 13 years later- I have read the books more times than I can even count, I was in a Harry Potter club in high school, I took a Harry Potter literature course in college, I went to midnight book releases, I went to midnight movie premiers, I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter on its Grand Opening, I went to a Harry Potter convention, I have dressed up as Hagrid several times....

I grew up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. 

I studied with Hermione. I laughed with Ron. I battled with Harry. I pulled pranks with Fred and George. I forgot with Neville. I believed in the unbelievable with Luna. I loved with the Weasleys. I got detentions from Snape. I trusted with Dumbledore. 

I am, and always will be, a part of the Harry Potter Generation. 

2007- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows book release 

2007- Last day of Harry Potter class

2010- Grand Opening of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter

2010- Infinitus with my good pal Dumbledore 

2010- Overjoyed to be at the happiest place on Earth

2011- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 movie premiere 

I have stuck with Harry until the very end.

So far, this has been a summer of self discovery. I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now, and while that is not a lot of time, I have learned so much about myself.

As an Early Childhood major, I know how important the early childhood years are for everyone. I never really thought about the impact my early childhood years had on me, however, until seeing my counselor and writing a paper for my infant/toddler class. The assignment was to write about something that happened as an infant, which has affected you throughout your life. I decided to write about not forming an attachment with my father. My counselor and I are convinced that this paper did not coincide with my sessions by accident, but that it was placed there in God's perfect timing. Last week I brought up this paper, and we started going in deeper than I wanted...

I have a hard time believing what happened to me as an infant affects me today because I do not specifically remember those experiences. My counselor told me multiple times that just because you don't remember something, doesn't mean it didn't affect you.

Things happened that make me sick if I even think about them. They are so hard to hear, and even harder to accept...