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Monday, February 28, 2011

This weekend (which was basically incredible) the Lord pushed me into two things that I've really been struggling with recently...

At women's retreat, my struggles with trust and forgiveness (which leads to so many other problems) were consistently illuminated. For the past year I've really been struggling to forgive and move on, but it's proving to be extremely difficult, which is disheartening. It's been a year and I thought I'd at least be in the healing process by now- how immature of me. This is something I've lived with for almost my entire life- how did I possibly think I'd be free of it in just a year?

"God will allow your heart to forgive when He knows you are ready."
This was spoken to me this weekend and it is a hard thing for me to grasp... What do you mean I'm not the one who's in charge of forgiving, but God is? This is something I need to give Him, but I can't. I feel like since it's my "baggage," I'm the one who needs to sort it out. Which leads to trust- do I not trust Him to place forgiveness in my heart? Or is it because I don't want to forgive? I've lived with this for so long.. I can't imagine my heart and life without it, even though I know it will be a sweet life. Or do I think forgiveness isn't deserved? I want to so badly say "NO! He does NOT deserve to be forgiven..."
Matthew 18:21-23. Why am I so hesitant? Why is this so hard?

At Summit last night, Isaac spoke on pride and judgement, which is a part of my life I'm just recently beginning to sense I struggle with. I have never in a million years thought I was one to be prideful, so this is a really difficult thing for me to grasp. But I am prideful, and recognizing that really hurts. How in the world am I a prideful person? I probably have more problems than anyone else; what makes me even think I'm better than them? Since when did I become so self-righteous?

It is so clear that the Lord desires more from me, but it's so hard for me to give more until I'm past these struggles... and I desire more from the Lord, but it's so hard to accept it until I'm past these struggles...

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